His Greatest Fear
by PassionPoet
Summary: He wouldn’t give up until he held her hand one more time and touched her lips again. He would find her. He would wait for her. Even if it took the rest of his life.


How long had it been? Days, months, years. He'd stopped counting. These things, they called themselves the Servants of Selve. Selve was their leader. They were a different kind of alien that resembled a shadow and seemed to get a kick out of hurting the man who couldn't die. They had the power of delusion. At any given moment they felt like they could turn the cell that he was confined in into a battlefield of dying aliens, World War I, World War II, a revolution, a version of the time war, anything that resembled destruction and could easily kill him.

And then the servants also held the power to change form. How many times had they pretended to hold the loyalty of Ianto's features as he twisted the blade? How many times had he stared into the falsifying eyes that resembled Toshiko as she shot him? To feel the cold and numb of Owen's fingers as he beat him into nothing. They even did an impression of Estelle, the real Captain Jack Harkness and millions of others he had loved and left. He felt betrayed every time he died, but he had to remember that it was all an illusion.

They never did Gwen though. From what they could get from his mind she was the most important to him. He was reminded of Tosh, Owen and Ianto's faces every day, but never Gwen's. He remembered the last time he saw her. They had gotten into a fight because the sound of the TARDIS was calling him. She didn't want him to leave and was angry at him for it. Just before he ran out of the Cog door towards the surface he pulled her in for a passionate and unexpected kiss.

"Wait for me," was all he said before leaving her dumbfounded.

It was after he went with the Doctor that he fell into this whole mess. The Servants of Selve had taken him hostage, the Doctor was in another cell somewhere or so he assumed and he felt like he was losing his mind. How many times had he had to replay that kiss in his head to keep him sane? Her lips, her touch…the memory was all he had now.

The image shimmered as the servants of Selve began their cruel torture again, but when he looked around this time it wasn't a battlefield or a pit that dripped with the smell of death. It was sunset, the red and orange over the horizons was perfect and beautiful. He tried to remember the last time he had felt light against his skin. He looked around and saw that he was standing in front of various buildings that felt empty, but familiar. The smell was rich with energy and he saw he was in his beloved Cardiff.

Jack let out a deep breath. It was an illusion. A beautiful illusion. He felt home again, but he wasn't. His eyes were wet as he looked around and remembered. He walked forward trying to convince himself long enough that he was home just to feel a minute of fake happiness.

It was then when he saw it. A shadow lurking close by. He would kill the bastards for doing this to him. Teasing him like this. Didn't he suffer enough? Well, didn't he! 

He ran to the sight of it. A gun lying on the sidewalk. He was too consumed by anger at these things to even be suspicious about it. The point was it was there and loaded and he planned to kill at least one of these things.

There was something running. It was coming towards him. He could see it, only it wasn't disguised. It was real and coming at him. He shot it right in the heart, if there was heart, and it dispersed in the air into millions of black pieces that made up the shadow in the first place.

The wind blew against him as brown and red leaves flew past him. Autumn, he noted, the season is autumn. There was another running of footsteps. Another one he thought quickly as he pointed his gun in the same direction the first one had come. He prepared to shoot when the image in front of him made his heart stop.

"Jack?"

He couldn't breathe? How could they…They even dared to. He couldn't see her, her face was hidden under the shadow of the building, but the voice, it just caressed his ears. They were manipulating him though. He had seen the looks of Tosh, Owen and Ianto as they killed him in some form and he refused to have an image of Gwen like that in his memory. The gun in her hands as she moved forward cautiously only confirmed it.

"Why?" he cried out. His voice was broken. She was beautiful and as he pulled the gun up he couldn't help, but let the tears spill from his eyes. Her eyes widened

"Jack please-"

BANG! He pulled the trigger and she stumbled to the ground. Her hand was over her heart and as she pulled it away the blood dripped on the pavement. He did it. The creature should have turned back to its original shadow like form. He knew this because he managed to kill the shadow form of Owen one time and saw it change back after it was killed. But she wasn't changing. She was shivering on the ground, blood pouring from her mouth and her eyes full of tears.

He ran to her trying to convince himself, but as he took her hand in his he instantly knew and his heart cried out.

"Gwen," his eyes streamed tears.

Gwen. It was his Gwen. He put his arms around her pulling her against him as she shook. She tried to speak, but blood was the only thing she could answer with. Tears fell down her cheeks and she could feel herself coming closer to darkness.

"No. Why?" he bellowed to the unanswering skies, "WHY!"

He began to rock back and forth, the tears uncontrollable now, "Please, not her, anyone, but her."

She made tiny noises in the back of her throat and her breaths were coming in just that bit too fast.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know…"

The blood was uncontrollable and he was sure that by this time tomorrow the crevices of concrete would be full of it. She tightened her grip on his hand. She was slipping away and she needed to get this out now. It had been five years. Five years of regret, longing and heartbreak as she had did what he asked and waited for him. It was a bit ironic that he had literally shot her in the heart. She forgave him though. Just like she always did.

This was it. She knew it. It was close now. Too close and she whispered just before her eyes fell shut and her body ceased trembling, "I love you."

Her head fell back. Jack tried to absorb what he had fully done. His hands were full of blood. Her blood and he wanted this nightmare to end. He yelled out in anger and distress into the cool air. The emptiness she had filled had returned and he could do nothing but cry into her hair. He kissed her head, her lips trying to bring her back, but this time she was gone. Gone for good.

Her image disappeared in his arms, the place shifted and he was back in the dingy cell. He looked down at where her body once lay only to be replaced by the image of the hay on the ground. He tried to catch his breath and now more then ever he hated this. He hated everything around him.

He stood up and threw a chair in the corner breaking into pieces against the wall. He kicked at the hay on the floor, banged at the ground and walls, but her dead body was still in his head and not only that but the fact that he had caused it only made it ten times worse. It was official. This had finally undid him as he cried out.

"Jack! Jack!" the Doctor was released into the cell and tried to grab his flailing arms

Jack took him by the shoulders, looking at him through bloodshot eyes and wet cheeks, "BRING HER BACK TO ME!"

The Doctor tightly squeezed his shoulders trying to calm him down, "Jack, listen to me."

He didn't want to listen anymore. All he could think about was her and what he had done. He wanted her back. That was all he knew. Jack was pleading; his voice was calm and angry, "Bring her back to me. I don't care whether the world collapses or if we get trapped in another universe. Bring.Her.Back."

The Doctor face was full of regret and sorrow and Jack only collapsed to the ground yelling out in agony.

"Jack, it was just an illusion. She can still be alive."

Jack couldn't believe a word of it. The doctor hugged him trying to comfort him as best way he could as Jack sobbed into his neck. They stayed like that for hours as Jack poured all of his emotions out. He had never spoken about Gwen to anyone really. He told the Doctor how she reminded him of Rose, only it wasn't Rose, it was Gwen. Gwen Cooper. The woman from 

Cardiff, Wales who had finally opened his eyes even wider then before and had stolen his heart at first glance.

He remembered every detail of her as if it were only just yesterday. The doctor only listened knowing that all Jack wanted was for someone to listen. The poor man had been trapped in this hell hole for too long.

The Doctor was taken back to the leader a while later. Jack sat against the wall only to stare at the other wall in front of him. He could still hear her laugh fresh in his mind, could see her smile that gap toothed smile, see her bum shake as she walked out of his office. He chuckled at that last one.

And then he heard her voice. Her voice in a different type of tone. A tone full of surprise, anger, happiness. A mix of emotions.

"_Jack?"_

And then there was that second tone as he brought up the gun. A tone that was scared and begging.

"_Jack please-"_

She was dead by his hands. She had lied there suffering for a few moments while he would suffer forever with that image. He looked out in front of him. He could almost see her standing alive before him. She wasn't dead, he told himself, she couldn't be. 

He would find a way back to her he thought defiantly. The minute he was released from this confinement, this room of endless torture he would find her someday. He wouldn't give up until he held her hand one more time and touched her lips again. He would find her. He would wait _for her_. Even if it took the rest of his life.


End file.
